Honest emotions

I've been reading a new blog by a young man I know. His honesty and creativity make me feel small. Yesterday I was listening to a radio interview about women's suffrage and the courage it took from them to gain the right to vote. I do not live a life that is fighting for something. I try to get through the day making decisions that hopefully won't make too many people unhappy with me.

The young man and the suffragettes are symbols of truth and honesty to self that I need to live up to. I need to stop worrying about pretty pictures being added because that's what all the creative magazines advise to pull in readers. I need to be true to myself and posting what is going on right now with me. Julia Cameron (I know she is the go to person for a creative life) advises morning pages. I am going to start free flowing in the blog for a while to help open myself to where it needs to go instead of stopping my creative self from opening up. I mean really who knows this blog even exists to read any thing i post?

I live in Texas and its been hot with temperatures in the 100's. A small cold front came through yesterday and the high today will be around 90. I will take the rain to be a little cooler although it will probably mean 100% humidity. Its almost September so we know that we will at least start having cooler nights. I hope cooler temperatures will me to open up and be out in the world more and give me more opportunities to write about something other than my small piece of life. I need more art, more movies, more interaction with creative people.

Letting go of hurt.

As I start to walk easier and stop thinking every step is going to be painful, I realize I need to appy this to my emotional walking as well. I have been carrying around some hurt feelings. Its funny that they are so hard to sluff off and let go. I want to keep that baggage and feel sorry for myself. Its easier to let go of physical pain. Push it aside because you know you will feel better. The emotional scars seem to want to bury deep and surface at the littlest provocation.

There are things I am never going to be able to change. Who my parents are, who my children are, how I lived my life. Those things are set. I can change how i interact with everyone. Be direct about what my needs are and how i can or cannot help them. I learned that any group I was a part of could or could not function without me and I did not have to be responsible for the group.

Bad Step

I twisted my ankle on Tuesday morning. I stepped off the deck with my left foot which rolled, I quickly tried to balance as I stepped with my right foot which rolled and tore ligaments on the inside and outside of my ankle. It was early and my husband was still asleep. I had to crawl to the patio and use a chair to stand. I then hopped into the house and made an ice bag. There was no possible way to put any weight on the foot or ankle. It hurt so bad. I sat in the recliner and waited for my husband to wake and the doctors office to open.

Oh, did I forget to say that I was to pick up my mother at my brother's house and take her to her house and start getting it ready for her to move in. She had been living out of town (actually about an hour and half from where I live, and her closest neighbor was a quarter of a mile away). To make ends meet she had been renting her house to someone I thought was an acquaintance of my brother (he handled picking up rent). But recent health concerns have made her realize she needs to live closer. So, with no ability to walk, I called my Mom and told her that I would not be able to do anything with her house for a while.

The doctor said I had "end points" which meant that the ligaments were not completely torn. I had a type II sprain with possible muscle tearing. It is very unusual to tear ligaments on the interior ligaments without breaking a bone but I managed to do the weird. Icing and staying off of the foot until the pain went away and using an ankle brace my only prescription.

I hate being at other people's mercy so the first couple of days were torture. Well actually trying to move with crutches was torture. My upper body, arms, shoulders, palms, hips.... Everything hurt. Its now been four days and I can hobble around but have to be careful of difference in height and turning too quick. Its also difficult to get off the toilet. I somehow always seem to twist my right ankle as I get up.

This has been a lost week. Nothing accomplished except my dog has loved lying in my lap all day. No art, not much cleaning, no house readying. No pictures for this post. It is too depressing.