Wanting to rise above myself in 2011.

I am not going to call myself old this year.  It was a trend I started , calling myself "An Old Fat Woman".  I started this because I thought it would let others know I understood that I am overweight (obese) and have reached menopause.  I wanted to downplay the aesthetics of my appearance and have more consideration of my creative abilities.  I turned 53 in 2010.  I reached a milestone in my weight (not willing to share but it is considerable).  My menstrual cycle stopped three years ago.  The art seemed the only thing I had going for me.

This wanting to denigrate myself has not been good for my soul.  This was a terrible year in its own right.  A very special person passed away and left a big hole in our family.  Trying to deal with this loss left a lot of raw emotions chaotically influencing decisions.  I have not been kind to others.  I have manipulated to lessen my obligations.  In order to rekindle my life as a positive force I need to make changes.

I am not foolish.  I understand it will take daily dedication to come closer to who I want to be.  Small decisions each day to be kinder, less judgemental, more loving, and the dreaded counting calories.  Exercise in some way each day will be a big part of this change. Julia Cameron advises a daily walk to help with creative flow.  The plan for these changes is in progress. 

I do not need nor require positive responses from anyone for this to happen.  I do it for myself so I can be a better person to others.  Therefore it is a selfish desire and not worthy of affirmation.  If you read the entirety of this post please know that I may be slightly depressed but not chronically nor in the need of intervention.  These thoughts needed to be thought and processed and I chose this avenue.  I am still the friend, artist, loved one, that you've known.  Hopefully in 2010 I will be a better version of myself.

I hope everyone has a safe celebration tonight and a great start to the new year.

Peace and Joy!

Thinking

When I started blogging I wanted a way to express my self through words and visuals.  This has been harder than I thought.  I started eagerly writing away each day and then I found the stat button and I started worrying about what the reader thought about what I wrote.  This caused me to try to be witty or to try and not mention things that would be about people who might read the blog and be hurt or to feel not included if I didn't write about them.  This past year has been a bad one as far as I am concerned.  I will be happy to see it gone and to be able to look forward instead of dreading what else may come.  I know that I should see each day's opporutunities unuque to them selves but there have been so many bad moments I will always connect to 2010 I want it over.  So with all that said things may change or not change with the way I write.  I just know that I have not been able to blog through the prep for christmas.  It is a hard holiday for me.  I cannot point to why or say what I need to change.  It is what it is.  New Year has never been easy either because I cry each passing year for many reasons.  I don't think that will happen this year.  I am getting older and I do realize how precious each year is.  Parents getting older is not any easier.  I am not afraid of death and what happens to me but I do worry about not being joyous each day and appreciating what I am given to create.  The need to express myself may take a somber tone every now and then but i am pushing for joy and happiness even as I burn the toast, fall down, break a plate, arrive late, bury a pet, say no, deal with a flat tire, and everything that makes you frown.

Busy Busy Busy

I cannot believe its been so long since I posted.  Celebrating the holiday season is overwhelming for some of us.  Digging through the bins piled high in the garage storage to access the ones with the christmas decorations was a one day job.  Putting up the tree took a whole day.  The lights on the house did require that we clean up the bushes and fallen leaves in the front yard.  I also have all the regular duties required of an artistic housewife (I originally wrote working housewife but feel some may have a problem with my identifying as such since I do not have a full time outside the home paying job).  I painted my mother's kitchen and dining room a lovely sage green that really helps make it look homier than the sterile white we primed it with. I planned a day at the art school to do encaustic with an artist that has a busy schedule.  Private lessons are so rewarding. Took my mother-in-law to Maypearl for a christmas celebration at the Cowboy Bank.  Had some really good barbecue and was delighted to hear "Up on Rockytop" by the Zebra Strings, an elementary school age fiddle group from Grandview.  These are only a few of the activities that I was busy with since the last time I posted.

I did have time to do some small art projects for gifts.  One of my favorite was this bottle that I did for a neighbor.  I paired it with a votive candle that is wrapped in music and a small brass bird.  They look so ready for a new home as they nestle in the basket.

I am planning to do some larger encaustic pieces.  The boards have been prepared and are ready to be gessoed and waxed.  I have some ideas that I have been developing for a while that need a larger canvas to execute.  Hope I have something to share in the next week.  In the meantime I will sneak a few minutes each day in my work space for the small pieces that help the door to stay open and the well full.

 Feliz Navidad!

Memories with my daughter.

Started moving my living room decor to make room for the tree on Sunday morning.  My husband was gone hunting and it seemed like the right time.  I started watching the White Rock Marathon coverage to see if I might get a glimpse of my daughter who was running the half and I started to cry.  I jumped up and got dressed and drove to Dallas.  I was lucky to get her friend on the phone and she directed me where to go on the trail to see my daughter.  The evening before we had talked about me not wanting to be there because I am such a wimp in the cold and it was supposed to be very cold but I could not stand to not be there and witness her triumph over running.  I know 13.1 miles may not seem like a lot but believe me if you have not run that far you have no idea.  My daughter is inspiring.  She has lot weight and started an exercise regimen that makes me groan. 

I surprised my daughter  when I was there with her friends cheering her on.  She threw her gloves at me and I retrieved them for her.  When I saw her after the run she said she was so happy to have a way to get rid of them without worry because they had been bothering her.  Its nice to be needed by a grown daughter even when she is the one who shows the strength to be incredible. 

Needless to say the tree did not get put up since I spent the rest of the day in Dallas eating lunch with my daughter and her friends and then hitting the antique stores I love to shop.  Its like a lost a day but gained an unforgettable memory. 

Today I am going to my mom's in the morning and then I will see if I can get the tree up in the afternoon or at least do something toward the christmas decorating.  I do have gifts for several people on my list.  I generally am a last minute shoppe so I am not worried.  Its the decorating that trips me up.

I hope everyone is as lucky as I am and gets to make some memories this season that will stand out and keep their hearts warm forever.

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Kudra got her groove back?

It felt really nice yesterday to get several hours in the work zone to put some ideas to fruition.  I also sorted through some found objects and made a piece on the run without over thinking.  These may not be my best pieces but they are starting the stream flowing and allowing more ideas to become real .  I was really feeling blocked the last few weeks.  The physical exhaustion was not allowing me to think of anything but the task at hand and then when I stopped I only wanted to rest.  I have struggled to stay up until 9:00 o'clock since the time change and then putting in all day at a rental property was not helping.

I moved some supplies around and maybe that will help me work.  I would really like to work on my creative voice that distinguishes my art as mine.  I also want to use some different colors to tweak my work.  What I am trying to say is "I WANT TO MAKE SOME ART!"

Reading through this post it appears that the use of "I" is happening.  There is a concerted effort in the last sentence to do away the personal pronoun.  But these are may thoughts and its not going to work if there is no reference to myself in the first person. 

All the creative blogs I read are buzzing about Christmas.  I love the season but hate the commercial aspect.  The worry over finances, time management and the labor which in my household falls directly on my shoulders are reasons to become irritable.  This year is going to be much more laid back.  Things may not get done or they may.  The first task is lights on the house.  The glow of lights defining the silhouette of houses is one of my personal joys.  I usually wait and do that last and most years it doesn't get done.  One of the reasons is that the bushes need trimming and I feel that needs to be done before the lights go up.  This is one of my problems with house cleaning.  As I clean I feel the need to change the decor and it becomes a mammoth task instead of simple.  I have to change everything in the living room, including some moving of furniture to accommodate the tree.

The big family computer has crashed.  We all have laptops but we never setup our printer to be wireless.  There are also a lot pictures, forms and information that was not saved.  It has been sitting silent since Thanksgiving morning.  My husband started the road to doing something about the computer but has found he has less time to himself now that he is retired.  He is fielding phone calls about business opportunities all day.  There are also a lot of phone calls regarding our need for insurance, changing our cell phone services, setting up corporations, bank accounts, etc.......  Somehow the computer will probably become my responsibility.  Should I just take control or wait for direction?