Thinking

When I started blogging I wanted a way to express my self through words and visuals.  This has been harder than I thought.  I started eagerly writing away each day and then I found the stat button and I started worrying about what the reader thought about what I wrote.  This caused me to try to be witty or to try and not mention things that would be about people who might read the blog and be hurt or to feel not included if I didn't write about them.  This past year has been a bad one as far as I am concerned.  I will be happy to see it gone and to be able to look forward instead of dreading what else may come.  I know that I should see each day's opporutunities unuque to them selves but there have been so many bad moments I will always connect to 2010 I want it over.  So with all that said things may change or not change with the way I write.  I just know that I have not been able to blog through the prep for christmas.  It is a hard holiday for me.  I cannot point to why or say what I need to change.  It is what it is.  New Year has never been easy either because I cry each passing year for many reasons.  I don't think that will happen this year.  I am getting older and I do realize how precious each year is.  Parents getting older is not any easier.  I am not afraid of death and what happens to me but I do worry about not being joyous each day and appreciating what I am given to create.  The need to express myself may take a somber tone every now and then but i am pushing for joy and happiness even as I burn the toast, fall down, break a plate, arrive late, bury a pet, say no, deal with a flat tire, and everything that makes you frown.