I am not going to call myself old this year. It was a trend I started , calling myself "An Old Fat Woman". I started this because I thought it would let others know I understood that I am overweight (obese) and have reached menopause. I wanted to downplay the aesthetics of my appearance and have more consideration of my creative abilities. I turned 53 in 2010. I reached a milestone in my weight (not willing to share but it is considerable). My menstrual cycle stopped three years ago. The art seemed the only thing I had going for me.
This wanting to denigrate myself has not been good for my soul. This was a terrible year in its own right. A very special person passed away and left a big hole in our family. Trying to deal with this loss left a lot of raw emotions chaotically influencing decisions. I have not been kind to others. I have manipulated to lessen my obligations. In order to rekindle my life as a positive force I need to make changes.
I am not foolish. I understand it will take daily dedication to come closer to who I want to be. Small decisions each day to be kinder, less judgemental, more loving, and the dreaded counting calories. Exercise in some way each day will be a big part of this change. Julia Cameron advises a daily walk to help with creative flow. The plan for these changes is in progress.
I do not need nor require positive responses from anyone for this to happen. I do it for myself so I can be a better person to others. Therefore it is a selfish desire and not worthy of affirmation. If you read the entirety of this post please know that I may be slightly depressed but not chronically nor in the need of intervention. These thoughts needed to be thought and processed and I chose this avenue. I am still the friend, artist, loved one, that you've known. Hopefully in 2010 I will be a better version of myself.
I hope everyone has a safe celebration tonight and a great start to the new year.
Peace and Joy!
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