The blue turns yellow.

Well, I certainly was feeling sorry for myself yesterday.  But today is another day with the possibility of one good thing happening to bring a smile or a sliver of joy.  Its funny but I gave up most of the control of my life a long time ago but recently I feel that this roller coaster has no end and I am in an amusement park of wild rides and trickster hucksters. 

I need a full time job with benefits.  I don't need a lot of money just enough to pay bills and the occasional splurge.  I am willing to work hard and to the fullest of my capacity.  The journey I am on needs me to be independent of anyone else financially.  Those who know what is going on are shaking their head at my dilemma.  Those who don't know are shaking their heads at my foolish dialogue.  Why after all I am who I am.  Why should I need help from anyone to make anything happen.

Trying to break free from being married to Danny Brooks is not easy for me.  This has been my identity since I was seventeen.  Losing part of myself to the foolishness of life. 

Writing to write

It's been another day.  The darkness is developing in the cracks of time to engulf me with sadness.  I cried over my ice cream.  It went so quickly into a creamy broth that only brought tears to my eyes.  The welcome did not rise to make me feel warm with love.  I coveted the banana's smooth texture hoping to make a happiness in my mouth which might envelope me with a recognition of a time in which there were no great concerns over the future.  The certainity that time will be the friendliest of aquaintances to meet me each morning and kiss me on the forehead to wish me sweet dreams when I rest is gone and replaced with fear that I will crack into a million pieces and scatter into the oblivion of darkness.

Why you ask does this need to be written today.  I have screamed and fought with the ugliness today and it won this lap.  Hopefully tomorrow there will be a different outcome........

Random Picture and its Love

This is a picture taken of Buddy, my father-in-law, in 2006.  He is sitting in his den with his beloved dog, Trotter, and the remote control.  Trotter is a very protective dog.  This was probably taken while Danny was irritating him with an attempt to touch Buddy.  This picture was chosen randomly without seeing the image from a file containing pictures from our old hard drive that crashed.  The pictures were retrieved and are on my laptop now.

Buddy passed away last year.  He was one of the greatest male influences in my life.  If I ever needed help he was there for me.  Car break down, small plumbing problems, dog needs burying, he was the one who I called.  He loved his family and did everything he could to show his love.  I miss him so much.

At Sims the other day a friend of his who drank coffee and discussed politics shared some stories with me about his relationship with Buddy.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Every time someone brings him up I find myself fighting tears.  He was a constant every day presence in my life that has not been filled or forgotten.

I just hope that everyone has someone like him in their lives.

britht moon rising

This is a picture of the moon rising above the tree tops filtred through my toy camera app.  I love the rustiness of the picture.  The following is just a plane picture captured on my iphone.  It is amazing how dark it can be and how brightly the moon shines over the treetops.

I am looking for all the brightness I can find right now.  Working five or more hours six days a week is tiring in this heat.  I feel so frazzled and unable to make decisions regarding my life situation therefore it is is the same unchanged unhappiness day after day.  I know I have the ability to change this but I keep procrastinating and finding excuses to not make the telephone calls I need to make or do the paperwork that would start the process to end this free fall of an existence and become a whole person again.  I really need to figure out who I am.  I need a full time job with benefits.  I need to know where I am going to live and how much I need to down size this gargantuan life that is becoming a hoarder's dream.

Oh, how I hate the whine that I have written to be read by any passing witness.  Part of my unhappiness is feeling I am lying to most of the people I know about my life.  But the person who is responsible for  telling their story is not letting the story be known.  Too cryptic?  Then don't read further postings until the sun shines brightly but without the burning heat of the parched desert and rains bring an oasis to the land.

Feathers of the morning

Found my first Cardinal feather this morning.  There are always lots of  crow, dove and assorted gray feathers.  I also find the occasional blue jay feather with its beautiful blue sheen but the red of the Cardinal has not been dropped.

The family is always afraid the cat is going to get a bird when it comes to the bird bath or feeder.  I don't think  the cat is stealthy or quick enough to get the birds.  They need to be on the look out for the hawk that sometimes swoops into the yard and scatters the littler birds to the safety of the trees.

I found these feathers when I was watering this morning.  One of the perks of the morning.

The phone

I hate to talk on the phone.  I hate to make phone calls.  I would rather get in my car and drive to where a person is and talk to them than call and try to communicate over the phone.  I procrastinate calling everyone.  I love texting and e-mail.  No pretense of I'm okay, how are you, life is so great bullshit.  Just words written where I can read them at my will and think of a response without the hesitation in a conversation that so worries me that I will babble about anything.  Now, I know that everyone I talk to on the phone is going to think badly of me.  This posting is not directed toward you and our phone conversations.  Relax.  I am genuine with you but I still hate calling you.  I'm sorry but I am trying to face some of the cold hard facts of my life that have produced the me I am today.  The phone thing is one of them. 

Calling the doctor's office is the worst phone call.  I only call when I know I need to make an appointment and need to see the doctor pretty quickly.  Trying to be truthful but still giving a sense of emergency so that I will actually get to see my doctor on a day that works for me is excruciatingly painful.  Almost as bad as whatever ailment is causing me to make the phone call.

Talking to my mother over the phone is also on the list of really don't want to do.  I love her but hate to talk on the phone with her.  I am calling usually to tell her that I am coming over or making plans to do something with her later in the week.  The small bits of trivial information that I have to maneuver are like land mines ready to make me be angry.  Yeah, there are a lot of anger issues with me and my family and when my Mom starts in on the family gossip I cannot help myself but respond with honest feelings about what ever may have happened.  I feel trapped.

Phone calls should be like they were in the olden days when people counted pennies and phones were a luxury.  Short and sweet like a text.  The information exchange with the smallest amount of social pleasantries.  Although I do get texts from one persona who seems to always find the least amount of characters to send stupid messages of fake support.  Or we could start writing letters that go through the United States Postal Service.  When you read old letters you think of the care the author took in composing them with just the right sentiment.

Just another thought for another day.

Sunday morning coming down

No one else but the dog and cat to share the house this morning.  Too bad I will have to leave soon to pick up my mother and run her errands and buy her groceries.  She needs some craft items to help occupy the time she spends all alone with her dogs.  I am terrified of becoming my mother and I mean it.  It is not a joke about becoming old.  It is the truth about her older years.  I do not want them.  My children and friends try to reassure me that it will not happen but how can they know.  We share a lot of genes.  True my addiction habits do not cause me to isolate like hers have.  I do like my downtime and I do not suffer idiots well but I also love exchanging ideas and discussing everything under the sun.  These are hard to do by yourself.   

Growing older is going to happen unless I die which is always a possibility given the stress I am allowing myself to live under right now.  I do not feel like 54.  Yes, I am behind on a lot of teen stuff but I am open to new music and movies. I did refuse to become a Twilight groupie although I did read the series.  I am opposed to Harry Potter not because of the wizardry and magic but because of the masses of adoring fans.  By the way there are a lot of classic movies I never watched for the same reason.  Titanic anyone?

Yeah, I know the thing is graphic novels and movies made from them.  I loved Sucker Punch!  I really need to get in  on at least one flash mob or at the very least observe one.  See lots of things to be done that are not for the middle aged.

I have an iphone but not an ipad.  I download my music, not buying cd's.  I do not go to the boxstore to rent movies (I get them at the library for free!).  My laptop is favorited with facebook, I tweet, I try new apps all the time.  I only play games on the phone.  I watch some of my favorite shows on my laptop.  I am not tied down to a box for my entertainment.  I never look for a phone book or a map.  I'm not a dinosaur.  But I do have preferences that come from my generation.  I love wearing jeans and hate that I now work where I have to dress business casual.  No makeup is my personal way to travel but to work means to try and look younger and that means makeup.  

Enough musing for the morning.  Off to crazy land.

Forgetting something?

I have the feeling all the time that I am forgetting something important.  That there is something peeking around the corner that needs attention.  Certainly not all that art stuff that has so encompassed my time.  Not my family that is fractured.  Not my house which needs paint, flooring, landscaping and electrical attention.  Not my friends that I neglectfully do not call to make dinner, lunch or creative dates.  Not my work life that has me doing minimum wage employment.  Oh, maybe it's that until I get my shit together nothing is going to happen to cause me to be happier than I am right now which is zilch. 

Ramblings of change

I haven't posted in a long time because everything changed and I need a new direction.  The previous title of this blog was a direct reason everything had to change.  Come on who would label their life as dusty and rusty but someone who had stopped trying.  I thought I was clever because I loved old rusty bits of metal and wood.  Long discarded items I found in garages of estate sales.  But then I brought these things into my life and added to the clutter of my life.  Sure some of this stuff is lucky enough to be placed into artwork and to be shown to the world but lets face facts I have become a hoarder of the art junk.  This is a direct affectation of how I have been living. 

Big changes need reflection to make sure you are going in the right direction.  But I have to admit that the heat is making it a challenge to do anything.  Working out of the home is also not making it easy.  I love interacting with so many people every day but it drains my emotional and physical self to a puddle of mush.  I come home to the heat and I want to sleep and then its time to go to bed to get ready to go to work the next day.  Oh yeah, falling and messing up my arm so that I need pain medication is not helping this situation. 

My life has been so gorgeous and I screwed it up.  I was lazy and didn't want to rock the boat.  I am where I am because of who I am.  This is recognizable as truth.