An unnecessary rusty lock.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing things for the greater good of the world. Being an upstanding citizen by recycling, contributing my time and funds to worthy charitable causes, helping my family in ways that I am able. But then there are days I wake up and it is so much easier to throw the trash away instead of sorting and carrying it where it needs to be disposed of and being selfish with my time doing things that only make me happy and curb the freedoms of others. Still haven't decided what today will be. I have to take my mother grocery shopping this morning. She doesn't drive right now (may not ever drive again). This is not a choice unless I want to be hurtful to her. She would say that's okay. We can do it some other day. I can make do with what I have (peanut butter and crackers). Could I live with myself? The answer is no. I am not that selfish. I was selfish enough to not visit her yesterday and check to make sure she was okay. I visit her six days a week. Does anyone else visit? One of her granddaughters has visited twice since my mom moved back to our town. Is my mom living the life she caused herself by the decisions she made? Yes, most definitely. I am the person I need to be which includes thinking of others even if they are not who I want them to be or were who I needed them to be in the past.

The picture at the top of this post is my mothers front gate. A lock attached to the gate that in no way ensures security but has rusted in place. I love the look of this little lock and think that if the house ever gets sold could I take the gate. It represents for me the inability for me to secure my heart against transgressions (real or imagined) from my family. Hurts hurt. I do not hold anything against anyone for safeguarding their feelings. I just hope that in trying to keep your heart safe you are also not keeping your need to do good things also a prisoner. I also think you can get hurt when you least expect it, some small thing gets between the barriers and bam, you are down for the count....at least for a little while and then things get better.

This has been a most eye opening post for me. Surprises. When you start to write you never know where you might be led. I had stated that I wanted this blog to be about my artistic life but for some reason I am caught in the struggles of my personal life and my creative life is going well. I am instructing encaustic workshops the third Saturday of the months of fall. My art is selling in the local gallery. I am not blocked from creating. The hopelessness lies in my extended family. I know that I will push through and there will be good days and bad days. I also know that I have the power to try and make every day a good day.